From 2007, The First Real Scare With Mom's Health

 My Mother could be dying. I am trying to come to grips with that fact.

 

My brother Tom is leaving for San Diego today. The plan was for my sister Patti and I to go to San Diego Wednesday, but we were told that it would be best if we didn't wait so long, so now we will be leaving Sunday afternoon.

 

   I've been dealing with the reality of my Mother being very, very illl for about three weeks now. It has had me in a precarious emotional state, to say the least. I've been able to function well at work, but my life at home has been a mess. I've snapped at Tom, Brad, John, my sister Patti, just about everyone.

 

   All because I may be losing my Mother, and I do not know how she feels about me. How she really feels, whether or not I was a good son, or if I was a bitter disappointment.

 

   Questions keep running through my head, questions of doubt and inadequacy. Why? I did my best by anyone's standards. Hell, by the standards of the neighborhood I grew up in, I am Bill freakin' Gates.

 

   I know, from a detached, pragmatic POV that what my Mother wanted me to do with my life was not reconcilable with my true nature, but I have dwelled on it for years, and now it's reached an apogee of sorts.

 

   I talked with my Mother on the phone this past week, told her I love her. She told me that was nice.

 

   And that's how it's been since I was about 15 or so. I tell my Mother I love her, and she tells me that's nice.

 

   Now I am going to go to San Diego to see her for what could be the last time. I know I will probably not hear the words "I love you son, you have done good, you have made me proud", and I know it will be devastating for me.

   As of today, 07/18/2012, my Mother is still with us.