Some people might think I'm being subtle, and perhaps I am. Because...because, I have a theory. I haven't fleshed it out yet, at least not much. The gist is this: I don't get it.
Yeah, it isn't much now, but wait until I have time to think about it. Besides, I figure that's more than enough for the moment, at least for me. I just have to repeat it to myself often enough: "I don't get it". The rest will come sooner or later.
I'm hoping for sooner, of course. What I'm doing now is affecting me in a bad way, like the pain that shows up after the novacaine wears off. My memory keeps darting back to the tooth before it was pulled, my tongue keeps searching for a bleeding cavity.
A sense of humor would come in handy right about now. God screwed me over in that department though. I can't seem to find the ability to laugh about this inability to fall out of it.
I wish I could tell the world, or really, anybody at all, exactly how I feel, but the world, and nobody I know, really would want to hear about it.
And even if there were interested ears, I don't think I would be capable of expressing myself very clearly. It's all a muddle, even to myself.
Women have always told me that they wish I would be frank when I have something to say to them. Then I'm frank, and they all get repulsed, and I have to go back to being Chris.
I've probably attached to much importance to the whole deal anyway. I expect I'll go to bed feeling like a haunted loser and wake up feeling like the luckiest guy in the world, as usual. Tonight's just one of those nights when nothing makes sense and my emotions are in high gear, with reason on the run.
This business of me being independent and standing on my own two feet and never really expressing how I feel makes me cry sometimes. I've had a lifetime of it. What the Hell's so wrong with wanting a supportive figure in one's life, one who praises instead of criticises, or if criticism is present, makes it constructive? What the Hell's so wrong with wanting to be part of a mutually beneficial partnership?
I'd like someone to lean on sometime. Someone who wouldn't be alarmed by it.
What did Coolidge say? " I do not choose"? Crimminy, that man was President once. Of course it's all about making choices or decisions, for the better, or for the worse. A man's mind is the masterplan of his choices.
And it's my fault, either way I go. I have enough experience under my belt to be able to make a sound, responsible choice in the matter. Conciously or unconciously, I've made choices that determined where I am and where I'll be and with whom I'll be there with.
Man, I'm trying to bank a forest fire with a ladle full of dirt here. I can balance a budget, but I can't balance this. I suppose I'm vaguely hoping the decision will be made for me, but that's the coward's way out.
I'm so sleepy right now. I probably should sign off and get into bed. What's so damn important to me that I have to put it in writing tonight anyway?
Certain things running through my mind: two lost souls living in a fish bowl, somewhere between love and like, cursed with insight, the vices of the parents, miracles always happen when they have to.
Bring a shot glass, I'll pour my thoughts out. I don't get it.
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